Six Confessions

My Amazing friend Kim gave me this idea and I liked it. She is always so insightful and I love that she pushes the boundaries of her world. She always did make me brave. So... here is me being brave and insightful into my own world.

#1- I have never felt good enough to be loved. Why would anyone love me, I barely tolerate myself! I hope to live up to my own expectations of myself one day. I'm constantly trying to be okay with myself and I am not sure I ever will. So... if I can't love myself. How could anyone else love me? My husband somehow survives this roller-coaster of chaos and still stands by me.

#2- I want to live a simple life. Truly. As simple as I can make it. It's my goal in life to have a very humble abode, cabin like if possible, in the middle of nowhere. Life in NOT simple now and probably it will be a life long search for the simple life I want. I want to enjoy the little things. A good book, paint if I want, and enjoying the nature around me. Hopefully with the love of my life beside me and our kids coming to visit our little sanctuary.

#3- I consider myself spiritual but not religious. The older I get and more experiences I have. The less I want to do with the religion I have claimed in my life. I am going to keep it simple from here on out. I believe in a higher power and that from this point of view we cannot see the big picture and I'm going to put my faith in God that he knows what he is doing in the end. I respect everyone's choice in this matter and my biggest struggle in life will be to practice that respect with my children as they make their spiritual choices. I do not want to force anything on them. Love, peace and positive energy... this is what I believe in. Those three things have touched my soul deeper than any church or religion will ever do.

#4- I am very scared to let my children grow up. I don't want them to be like me and scared of everything. How do you teach your children that? My fears control my actions and I don't know how to teach them to be brave. I always wanted to be a mother, but now I am so scared I'm failing at this job.

#5- I haven't picked up a brush to oil paint in ten years. I miss it madly! How do I find the artist in me again? How do I start over? I'm afraid to try. See... stupid fears!

#6-Some of my most rash decisions have been some of my best. When I let me head think too hard I get scared and destroy/loose what I need. Things/people in my life were meant to be and I will always keep that in perspective. It's humbling and amazing! But, some things/people in my life have hurt my heart so bad that I am currently having a hard time remembering how to listen to my heart and not just my head. The thoughts in my head will make me crazy at this rate. I need to find the balance in life that heals my heart so that I can listen to it again. Some of my best decisions have also been the hardest... and I didn't even think that I didn't want what I chose. I just knew in my heart that I did and I jumped whole heatedly. I need to trust that more. I need to listen to my heart and trust what I feel.

Ok... those were big ones. How about six small confessions now!

1- I hate my bra. One day I nope to NEVER wear it again. But, socially I need one for now.

2-I am constantly day dreaming of good sleep. Damn I love a good nights rest snuggled up with my cozy blankets!

3-I am fascinated with Cheese. I would love to learn more about cheese and where I can get some good goat cheese around here.

4-I am a beast in the mornings and I'm truly sorry for my family having to put up with my grumpy butt. I am trying to be better...I just shouldn't open my mouth for an hour after waking. Some days are way worse than others. I am sorry family!

5-I can't wait to plant some seeds next week to get our garden started for Spring! Who would have ever thought of it... I like to garden! I would have laughed in your face growing up if you would have told me I would like yard work and gardening one day. Crazy stuff!

6-I ate a 1/4th of Olivia's left over Roast Beef sandwich from Arby's when I was very pregnant with Jorja. It was pretty good at the time. I have thought it smelled good since, but not good enough to eat.